Reconceptualization

Maybe I can only describe it in writing because it's an easier mode of communication for me.

I feel like I need to reclaim my "territory" (not literally but in a metaphorical sense, hence the quotation marks) and I still have yet to. The last time it took such a long time to get back and every day felt like a black hole had centered itself inside of me and was slowly taking my self worth and compressing it into a little tiny speck because I couldn't repossess what was "mine". Picture when you were a kid and someone grabbed your ball from you. Once you finally got back your ball what did you do? You bounced it around in front of the thief to show it off and make sure they understood it was yours. Cats are the same way in their impudence. Rolling around like they don't have a care in the world right in front of a defeated intruder once they have shown their dominance over them and evicted them from their territory.

The hardest thing to understand for me is how I am supposed to feel good about myself when outside sources seem to be the only thing stimulating and I am never there to participate when they are around. On top of that, if I ever utilise outside sources it's the opposite effect that one would expect after looking at past history. Also discouraging is the fact that anything I seem to do (which used to get greatly positive feedback) gets only negative feedback, if any, and I feel further and further out of reach, touch, bounds, ideas and patience. Currently this is the most disturbing aspect of my life and I don't expect anyone to understand, well maybe one person, but at this rate, it probably reads like Japanese. Matte kudasai?